At Twenty-Something

There is something about being twenty-something that makes life seem so substantially overwhelming. It's a restless spirit that's different from that of being a teenager. I always thought that being a teenager would be the ultimate stage of feeling stuck, but the older I get I feel that life is like slogging deeper and deeper purposefully into the mud in hopes of finding solid ground.

At least as a teenager I thought it was just a part of adolesence. It was a phase, a necessary transitional stage in life. I was going through puberty, and as horrific as that was I at least had the belief that whatever was on the other side was going to better. I thought at the end of puberty I would emerge as an adult. As a caterpillar metaphorphes into a butterfly, I thought I too would become this other person that would bear very little physical resemblance to what was. Unfortunately, it was just a misconception.

The First Day of Spring

As the weather gets warmer and everything outside begins to bud and grow so does my anxiety. I feel that tangled mess of emotions begin to coagulate in the pit of my stomach, which I know will only gets worse with the rising temperatures. And I know by high summer I'll feel like nothing is right, but the post-winter anxiety is the worst. There is nothing worse than the fear of the impending feelings of worthlessness, not even those feelings themselves. By the first day of spring it's official, I can't help but dread those coming summer days when I'll feel irritable, inadequate, and completely alone.

This I Believe (written June 2005)

Spring of senior year, it’s what I’d been living for. I must have checked the mailbox almost religiously, everyday, waiting for the one letter that would inevitably give my life purpose. I waited for the meaning of life to settle itself in my mailbox packaged inside an envelope in the form of one word – “congratulations.” I often daydreamed about getting that letter, and every time I did, I could feel the letter paper between my fingers becoming moist with perspiration, I could smell the ink on the page, and I could feel the ecstatic joy pulsing through my veins and spilling out through my eyes. It was so real, more real than the reality of what happened.

Reunited with Love at First Sight

It's a wonder to think about the circumstances behind how a book enters your life and seemingly embeds itself in the fabric of your psyche. It's one thing to marvel at how a story enclosed within a book can resonates with you on a deep meaningful level, but it's another thing entirely to ponder how a book even begins to approach you, and I think that's what it does. It woos you.

The Long-Haired Male

One thing I've noticed over the many many years of visual media consumption is that I'm a total sucker for long hair on guys. There is something about long locks on males that speaks to me on a level that transcends mere aesthetic appeal. It's the hair. It's the kind of man that wears the hair. But mostly, it's the concept of the long-haired male that has me in a tizzy. I'd liken him to the majestic and mythical unicorn - just because you stick a horn on a horse does not make it a unicorn. (Yes, I have just taken long-haired males to a new level of specialness by introducing a whole host of connotations associated with the unicorn, but I'm okay with that.)

Sons of Fathers Find Happiness in Themselves.

While drinking Twinings English breakfast tea and listening to the Inception soundtrack, I naturally thought back on the movie and recalled a memory, a particular snippet of conversation, where my sister responded, "like in Inception" and I suddenly re-experienced the epiphany I had then. At the time I had been describing the relationship between Gu Ma Joon and his father in the K-drama "Baker King Kim Tak Gu" and it really was like that of Robert Fischer and his father in Inception. I hadn't made the connection before. (Sometimes I'm dense like that.)

Ogle-worthy Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Inception. The movie started, and I was instantaneously absorbed. Leonardo DiCaprio. A beach. Japanese. Grossly unconvincing movie makeup. A gun and a spinning top. Ken is that you? Leo in voiceover. Then BAM! "3rd Rock from the Sun"-guy! "What Mr. Cobb is trying it say is..."

I spent a good portion of the movie ogling Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Needless to say, little Tommy Solomon with the girlish hair from my youth had grown up into someone ogle-worthy. I mean, even when I had seen him last in the previews for (500) Days of Summer back in the summer of last year, he was still steeped in geekish charm a la Cameron James of 10 Things I Hate About You. That is to say I've always found Gordon-Levitt charming since the days of 3rd Rock from the Sun - I suppose it was my affection for the novelty of long hair on guys that had me hooked from the very beginning - but how did he turn into an appropriate target of ogling?