Reflecting on 2017

I feel I haven't done this properly in a long time. I haven't really reflected on the year in a considerable way. I have thought about things that have happened and are happening, but I haven't taken the time to write it down.

This past year 2017 has been a very eventful year. I've probably said that every year, but it's probably true again as it was true every other time I've said it.

I learned that I can't cope well with work stress. A stressful work environment is not for me, and so I cried. I cried so much this last year, but all in the span of a few weeks. And in crying I reaffirmed that the man I'm with is the man I should be with as long as humanly possible.

At the beginning of the year I was anxious that we weren't headed fast enough towards matrimony, but it was unfounded worry-warting.

January -
February - Philly
March -
April - proposal
May -
June -
July - 30th birthday
August -
September - quit job
October - new old job
November - 2nd Thanksgiving
December -

Hello, 2017.

A recap of 2016:

February - friend's wedding
March - friend's wedding in FL
March - applications
April - sister's bday at Maggiano's
April - friend's wedding
June - sister moved out
July - move in with bf
July - parents move into new home
August - Renters
September - bread
October - Chicago, IL
November - Charleston, SC
November - start new job
November - first Thanksgiving
December - first Christmas

Hey, 2016.

I feel I've been completely unprepared for the onset of the new year this time around and consequently so unceremoniously welcomed 2016. But here it is. Hey, 2016.

2015 was a strange year. I want to write it off as uneventful, but that's not true. My romantic life was a dream, but my familial/home life wasn't so much. I'm not sure if it was pursuing my romantic life that strained the sibling relationship, or if it was in experiencing the dream that I realized the flaws in it. All in all, it wasn't pleasant. I had to change my point of view and recalibrate the dynamics of our relationship, and I feel we've reached an unstable equilibrium. It's good enough for now. In 2016 we'll strive for time and space apart. I think that'll do us good in the same way that it currently facilitates our relationship with our parents.

I know at the beginning of 2015 I wanted to work on maintaining my individuality while in a relationship, but I don't think I worked on that very much this past year. I was too wrapped up in keeping my shit together outside of my dream of a romantic relationship. In the process I did learn a lot of about myself and what I value. Creativity and individuality is still important to me, but they clearly do not take center stage like they used to. I think the spirit of my life has matured and I feel more comfortable and happy espousing harmony and caring. It is a shift perspective, and I think at the beginning of 2015 I was scared of letting go of the identity I had built for myself when I was single. I was right in believing 2015 was the year that I would question, "who am I now?" It's only now that I'm coming to terms with the definition of the person I want to be going forward in my life. It's still scary, but I think this is a big turning point. I'm never going to lose my wont for introspection, and I still want to consciously craft myself into a better a person.

I already have a feeling that 2016 will be a very eventful year for me. It'll be work to transition myself into a new stage of life, but I'm looking forward to it. I think I already have more vision in terms of the long term plan.

For 2016 I hope I do not lose sight of all the things it took to get me this far. I know I'll be focused on setting the groundwork for my envisioned future, but I don't want to forget everything I've already learned about myself.

In addition, as cliche as it is, I really need to get back on the workout train. I don't feel as fit and healthy as I have in my past and I want to rectify that. I do believe I will need physical fortitude to get through everything that I think 2016 will throw at me!

As usual, I wish for peace, love, prosperity, & heath in the new year. Happy New Year!

Greetings, 2015!

I believe 2014 was the most fulfilling year yet. In 2014, things that I've dreamed of happening for as long as I can remember became a reality. I bought a house and moved out. I found myself in a wonderful relationship. It's all been too wonderful to properly recount in so many words.

In all honesty, I was was not very optimistic at the beginning of 2014. I just wasn't sure after so many false starts in 2013 that I would get anywhere soon. In response to feeling like I was being taken for a ride in 2013, I made the resolution to be assertive for the 2014 calendar year. As much as I thought I would have to battle people who would continue to push and pull me around, 2014 turned out to be my year. I never felt the need to be very assertive because when the right opportunity presented itself it wasn't difficult for me and everyone see that. It turns out most people do just want what's best for you, and it's difficult to argue against something that is clearly the right choice.

In response to the great successes in 2014, I'm very much at a loss on what to hope for and work on in 2015. I've usually never found this to be a problem, but 2014 was a very different kind of year for me. Perhaps, it is in that vein that I'll find my answer.

2014 was different in that I spend very little time alone. I found myself discovering who I was in the context of another, and in doing so I felt alienated from the self I had spent all my years prior cultivating, the creative, expressive individualist. I spent very little time creating for the sake of creation, and I felt disconnected from the individual in me that desired that sort of self-expression. All my energies were focused externally, and I guess at the end of the year I have little to show for myself in terms of those products of creative expression. It feels a little empty.

So in 2015 I seek balance. I want to know how to be a successful half of a relationship without losing my clear sense of self. I want to find what there is to express as an individual within the context of being a couple. I hope to find that by rediscovering and strengthening my sense of self I'll be able to add more value to my relationship. 2015 will be a year to question, "who am I now?"

Every year I wish for peace, love, & prosperity, and this year I add "health" to that list. May 2015 be filled with health, peace, love, & prosperity! Happy New Year!

Re: (no subject)

Likewise.

i still think of you from time to time
true story

Salutations, 2014.

Looking back on 2013, it has been a year that has been incredibly different in spirit than all of my years past. Before I had always put a lot of emphasis on body and mind, but in 2013 I made my emotional self the focus.

Thematically, 2013 was about interpersonal relationships. I wanted to:
1. make a conscious effort to be good to people,
2. seek out, enjoy, and appreciate the company of those people that are good to me; and
3. see myself grow and flourish as an emotional being.

And while I believe I made progress on point #3, I confess I didn't realize what being good to people was until I started feeling that the people whose company I was seeking were not being very good to me. This isn't to say that I and others were purposefully mean to each other. No, not at all. It's just to suggest that there is a fundamental difficulty in being kind to others because we are all each autonomous individuals that experience life subjectively. No amount of empathy can change that.

In 2014 I need to be more assertive. I've always been an advocate of "going with the flow," but there is merit in opposing it from time to time. I need to be able to assert myself and let my opinions and feelings be known so that all situations in my life can be steered to desirable ends. I need to change my habit of letting things happen and then coercing myself to accept all conclusions for the sake of my sanity. After all, what is the point of continuing to cultivate myself as an individual with creativity and intellect if I'm not able to get my life to reflect the complexity and richness of that inner-self?

And as usual, let peace, love, & prosperity find us all in this new year. Happy 2014!

To you, wayward Internet stranger

The Internet is a strange place wherein we substantiate ourselves with the nebulous stuff that are our thoughts and ideas, an inversion of the physical world. I'm glad that my words were able to reach you as more than pretentiously indulgent scribblings of a melodramatic mind.

In hopes you will find more of these nebulous things that make you feel, safe travels.

J.

Hello, hello, 2013!

My 2012 ended with a bang, quite literally, and now it's 2013.

I wanted 2012 to be a year in which I changed my point of view. I wanted 2012 to be a year where I spent it feeling like an adult, and it wasn't me so much that made it so, but it was what was happening around me. I honestly can't think of myself as much else than an adult at this point.

Working from home has been such a blessing. Not having co-workers and not having to commute has changed everything. Not being forced to interact with people I don't want to has made me into a much more relaxed person. I always thought being irritatingly pessimistic was just my nature, but ever since I started working from home I have had very little to complain about.

Also, it might be counter-intuitive, but being alone has made me more out-going. Not having my energy drained from me has allowed me to invest it into quality time with the people I want to. In 2012 spent time with my friends and family, and I also met a fair number of new people.

It only seems natural at this point to make my goal or focus of 2013 be about interpersonal relationships. I want to make a conscious effort to be good to people. I want to seek out, enjoy, and appreciate the company of those people that are good to me. I want to see myself grow and flourish as an emotional being.

So I guess that's what I want to look forward to in 2013, and as always I wish for peace, love, and prosperity in the new year.

Hello, 2012!

I'm not at all a holiday person, but I really do love New Year's, not the specific day or the celebration but the general sentiment of it. The changing of the year prompts us to reflect on the year gone by and consider the opportunities for growth in the new year.

This past year of 2011 was one of the most surprising years to date. A lot of things happened. For me it was a year of ends and beginnings. It was a year of a lot of firsts and a year of re-connections.

Looking back on it all I don't think I've had quite a year like this since 2005, a year that truly felt life-changing. Plus, I haven't felt more nostalgic since that 05-06 transition. Everything seemed to decline after that and culminated in 2009 with a fantastic year of depressive self-loathing.

Then things picked up again in 2010, which was a year about self-improvement and finding solace in routine. It was in part about starting to become a grown-up through my own free will. Then 2011 was about "conscious consumption" and "cultivated expression", actively choosing what to bring into my life and learning how to express myself about those things.

I feel like I spent the past two years learning about being an adult, and I want 2012 to be a beginning of a time where I am an adult. I want it to be about really getting things done. I guess this is a want to change my point of view, a want for a new outlook.

Specifically, in 2012 I hope to finish some of the things I've started in my last 24 years of life. I think that would be a nice change.

And as always I wish for peace, love, and prosperity in the new year.

Occupy Wall Street

It’s incredible to think that these events unfolding on the streets of major American cities could be the start of something revolutionary.

I’m pressed to consider that perhaps I’ve been too complacent when it has come to goverance. I’ve always thought that it was wrong, but I’ve never considered the possibility of real tangible change. After all, we’re living in the system. 

Hello, hello, 2011!

As 2010 comes to a close I'm prompted to think about all the things that happened in the past year. For me personally 2010 wasn't the most exciting of years, but I think I liked it that way. It was in one part about finding solace in routine and in another part about reinventing myself as an adult in society.

Last time I gave the new year a theme and it was all about self-improvement. I just really wanted to start growing of my own free will, and I still do. I want to continue to grow in 2011, and I now that think I have a better idea of what that entails, it's really time to focus.

I've decided that in 2011 I'll focus on conscious consumption and cultivated expression.

Conscious consumption: I intend to really think about the things I consume physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want to actively choose the things I bring into my life. I don't want to be a blind consumer. I don't intent to spend my money on things but on obtaining knowledge and experience. And even with creative media like TV, movies, books and music I intend to consume them consciously and not just view them as mere entertainment.

Cultivated expression: I want to in turn be able to express myself and my ideas more and I want to be better at it. Whether that's through drawing or writing or dancing or whatever, I want to do more of it and I want to be able to do it well... eventually.

And of course, the past couple of years I've been wishing for peace, love & prosperity in the new year and this year that won't change. I think now I have a feeling for peace and I've had a taste of the beginnings of prosperity. Love still seems to be a little out of my field of experience. Perhaps that'll change in 2011. In this moment it's fitting that I'm recalling an idea I've only recently learned to ponder, the idea that today is always the first day of the rest of your life.

Alexander McQueen, may he have found perfection in peace.

The news of Alexander McQueen's death by suicide certainly shocked the fashion world. The man was known for his boundless creativity and his work that always seemed to shock and awe...

I can't say I was a great fan of McQueen. That isn't to say that I disliked his work. I absolutely acknowledge the genius of McQueen - the tight and yet voluminous, the sharp and yet organic, the bold and yet understated. It is difficult to describe because it was always that je ne sais quoi of a collection, of a piece, of an idea that positively screamed "McQueen!" His style was uniquely his own. I'd have to say everything was always so perfectly off and therefore strangely eerie. And perhaps it was that that sense of perfection in his work that putt me off, the reason I never really got to love McQueen. Because to me his clothes were like ice sculptures and I've always naturally gravitated towards snowmen.

To conclude, I must say that he was a great man. And as proof I cite the fact that although I'm a big fan of fashion I have only once blogged about a designer's work. That work was of course that of Mr. Alexander McQueen. He has left an indelible impression upon me and the rest of the world. May he rest in peace.

Hello 2010!

Finally, I get to say "hello" to 2010. Usually I'm right on top of it. Especially from a journaling point of view the change in calendar year is pretty significant. It is a kind of mile marker. It's a time to see how far you've come and how far you intend on going. At least, that's the way I like to look at it.

2009 for me was the most trying year of my life to date. Yes, I did graduate and that in itself is important, but in retrospect it seems like such a small and relatively insignificant incident of 2009. I spent most of 2009 worrying about my future, and all that fretting was emotionally taxing. Looking at my early journal entries of 2009 I was very emo, dwelling too much on depressing topics. I'm beginning to think that maybe I was depressed for a generous portion of 2009. At the time I just thought I was feeling out of sorts...

In any case, 2010, I'm hoping, will be the best year of my life. I think it's a good optimistic view of life, which is a much improved outlook when compared to New Year's sentiments of 2009. Of course, I also look to make room for peace, love & prosperity in the new year.

In addition to these broad and general sentiments I want to give 2010 a theme. I want 2010 to be about self-improvement. Because I spent 2009 in a funk I want clarity in 2010. I think I need to put myself in context. I need more information with which I can further define myself. I want to expand my realm of experience. I would like to really become a citizen of the world, a person in society.

I hope those aren't too lofty goals. I have very high hopes for 2010. I feel good about it. I feel good, and that's good. I haven't felt like this since... well, I really can't say I've ever felt like this. I feel different already.

Hello 2010!

Daul Kim, dead at 20.

Daul Kim found dead in her Paris apartment. Suicide. Hanging. My, what a way to go?

Live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse...